A By-gone Life at Haskell

I used to work at the Cultural Center and Museum at Haskell Indian Nations University.  I had worked with the Archives since I was an undergrad….a long time ago. My job consisted of making sure the research projects were completed; being a docent to museum patrons; and giving AMAZING tours to visitors.  I say amazing for a reason.

Most first time visitors to campus have no idea of the historic significance of the ground they are walking on.  I start most tours by allowing visitors to look at the beautiful exhibit in the gallery called, “Honoring our Children through Seasons of Sacrifice, Survival, Change and Celebration.”

Haskell Cultural Center & Museum

Next, we begin the journey back to a time before the doors opened at Haskell.  We learn to understand WHY our door were opened in the first place…as a response to the “Indian problem.”  I go on to tell them how our earliest students arrived at our doorstep…ripped from their families’ arms and thrust into a foreign world – alone.   When our students arrived on campus, they were not allowed to speak their tribal language, wear their traditional clothing, or fraternize with their siblings.  The youngest student was 3 years old – three. years. old. We then examine the starchy diet of mush, potatoes and gravy…every day.  It’s amazing how our students were being taught the art of farming…their goods sold or given to the local Lawrence community.

An unknowing  local community that celebrated with a parade the day that the City learned of their successful bid to land the NEW US Industrial Training School for Indians. It would be located on the 900+ acres that the school’s namesake, Kansas Senator Dudley C. Haskell had acquired.  It all seemed fitting, after all, the town’s founding “Free State” principles included provisions entitling all its citizens to fair education.

We move onto learn how families hunted for information for their children.  Many times, they searched without response from school or government authorities.  If they were lucky, they would be notified of their child’s progress, or death.  Students at the school had questions about the mysterious deaths…that went unanswered, as well.

Haskell Institute, circa 1889.

Before the turn of the century, the school raised the age limit.  The young were too fragile and died too easily.

The majority of students acclimated to life at Haskell.  They engaged in their classes.  Their bodies adjusted to the diet.  The found a fondness in the lush green campus that sits in the shadow of the Ivory Hallowed Halls of KU.  This became home.  Home became Haskell.  Mutual love and surrender.

Over the years, thousands of students filled the campus with dreams learning trades and skills to engage in a quickly changing world.

 

Recollections of cancerous sorts

The hospital room was spacious.  It had to be in order to accommodate our entire family.  I remember wiggling myself onto the thick, smooth, cool concrete windowsill.  I loved to look down on the strange green lawn from the third story window.  We were in the desert town of Albuquerque, New Mexico, green lawns were far and few between.  I would watch people picnic and kids play in the grass, as if they enjoyed being at a hospital.  Perhaps, for the short time that they frolicked, they imagined they were somewhere else.

My weekends and week nights were spent inside the institutional green Indian Health Service hospital room during the 11th and 12th years of my life.  I often sat away from everyone and kept quiet.  I occupied my time with word search books, or people watching – strangers and my family.  More than anything, I tried to watch and not to feel.

It wasn’t always this way.  I remember being mesmerized by how cool my uncle Alvin and his friends were.  I even had a secret crush on his best friend, Jerome.  We would pine over how cool he looked in his faded Levi’s and 80’s mullet.  They were so much older than my sisters and I, but we were fascinated by how exciting their lives were.  Even though we didn’t really know what their lives were like, we imagined they must have been simply fantastic!

My uncle Alvin got sick in his early 20’s. His carefree days with friends were interrupted by his new life in and out of the confines of a hospital.  I remember he would stay with us in Albuquerque for days at a time.  I can only assume that it was for medical reasons.  He loved to make baked potatoes.  They were his specialty.  He would eat his potato at the table and ask me questions about school as I saw across from him working on homework, artwork or word puzzles.

As his life changed, so did ours.  We didn’t laugh as much.  My mom and my aunts were always huddled as they talked in muffled voices at the hospital, at restaurants, or at our house.  I knew he had cancer, but I was never told what kind.  To this day, I’m not sure what kind he had, I just know it was aggressive and took him down hard….cancer.

°°°°

Cancer would become a word that rolled off my tongue as I recounted family medical history to any new doctor that came into my life.  I didn’t think it was odd that our family was so familiar with cancer…but, apparently, it is.

°°°°

Mary Sue was the aunt I only knew through stories.  She was diagnosed with Leukemia when she was a child.  My mother’s older sister died in the 1950’s after a long, difficult struggle.  At the time of her death, cancer was new to our family and to the Dine’ (Navajo).  It was back when the “experts” thought that our people were immune to cancer.  Back when they sent dads, brothers and grandpas, like mine, deep into the Uranium mines of Cove, Arizona in the heart of Dinetah (Navajo land).  Those men would come out of the mines covered in yellow dirt.  The smart ones, took rags or bandanas to cover their noses and mouths.  All of them walked radiant paths right up to the doorsteps of their homes – including our family home in Shiprock, NM.

°°°°

I was the mother of junior high aged children when I learned that my Grandma, our matriarch, was diagnosed with cancer.  She was in the winter months of her life.  She had lived a long, full life, rewarded with successful children and more than 24 aspiring grandchildren and a handful of great-grandchildren.  She loved and knew she was loved, greatly.  Regardless, it was difficult to watch that intangible scourge take the life from her.  Her soft hands continued to dole out love pats, and gentle, comforting grips even as the rest of her body succumbed to the internal predator.

°°°°

In Navajo, we call our mother’s sisters, Shima yazhi, “my little mother.”  And they are my mother’s in every sense of the word.  I can call them if I’m feeling bad.  I can call them when I’m in need.  I can call them anytime and I’ll be greeted with “Oh, Shi yazhi (my little one), Bunty….”    Bunty, being that baby nickname that I’ve never been able to escape.

Not too long ago, I longed to hear that silly nickname from my Auntie Lorraine.  I’m her namesake and spent the early years of my life living with her and her husband, my Uncle Jim.  It was at my wedding to my husband, Jimmy that I learned her and my uncle were the original “Lori and Jimmy.”  History repeats itself in the most amazing way sometimes.

She was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Not so long ago, I feared I’d have to carry on the blessing of her name, alone.  I remember her telling me, “I knew it was coming for me.  I just didn’t know when.”  It was heart-wrenching to actually feel the doom in her voice from over a thousand miles away.  They caught it in time, but not without the sacrifice of her womanhood.

°°°°

My Auntie Woosie was always gruff, tuff and funny, even though she didn’t realize it.  As kids, we’d always jokingly try to avoid her trailer come evening.  It was not easy, as the front door was at a 90 angle from the front door of my grandparent’s home, which is where our family gathered.  If one of us strayed too close to her trailer, we’d get called to her side and made to scratch her hair or her back “until it bleeds;” because, after all, we were of “slave age.”  We can laugh now, but steering clear was a covert operation as kids.

Those funny memories were endangered once we learned that she too had become a victim of cancer.  She would be the second case of breast cancer in our family.  Her life was spared, but not without her offering of self, body and dignity.  Today, her humor and liveliness is guarded by folded arms and limited gestures; almost as if protecting self.

°°°°

In Dine’ life, there are no lines dividing family.  No aunt, uncles, cousins or nieces and nephews.  We are simply- mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters and each other’s children.

One of my younger sisters was in junior high school when she was hit by a car.  Even then, she was a petite young girl with delicate features.  We feared her fragile body couldn’t handle the trauma.  They urgently labored to piece her back together again as we braced against the fact that she might not survive.  If she did, she would probably never walk again.

She walked right out of the grips of death and into young adulthood and later into motherhood.  It was when her youngest children, twins, were just beginning their pre-school experience that she learned she was firmly in stage 4 of a rare cancer.  Her body failed her and did not develop as planned when she was a toddler, giving an opportunistic cancer the perfect environment to grow.

We feared that this would be the end.  Her even more fragile body readied for the long, hard fight. Every day was a new battle against a powerful, unseen villain.  Prayers and tears enveloped her small, bed-ridden frame as she drew back again from impending death.  She went into remission only to be back on the battlefield a few years later.  Again, she drew strength from family, friends and loved ones, alive and departed, to pull firmly back into our lives for good.

Chemotherapy is a cruel savior in our circles.  It is the kryptonite to cancer, yet is the kink in our protective armor called immunity.

My sister battles with the repercussions of her numerous cycles of chemo.  Today, her nearly 90 pound frame braces against the simple invasion of germs, illness and even the common cold. It’s a bitter-sweet reminder of the tears, prayers and faith that uplifted our own vanquished spirits during her most trying times.  But, she survived.  We survived.

°°°°

Sadly, our family stories are not unique.  They are not proof of a family curse.  They are stories of Navajo people that are familiar and the same for indigenous peoples around the world.  They are proof that we are not a magical people with the ability to conjure up paranormal protection from universal forces.  They are proof that we are not supernatural beings that can seek help from botanical or animal entities. We are human.

The stories are proof that we are survivors. We have proven over generations that we are resilient. We are determined.  We have stood together and strong against more than most people care to imagine. We are proof that the human spirit is stronger than disease, manufactured myths and genocide.  We stand above the blame and use that strength to lift one another up.

Now and in the future, we will continue to weave our stories of hurt and disease.  But in each, we always look beyond to the outcome; which maybe a new journey in a new life, or a renewed journey in this one.  Either way, the end is always a blessing.

The end is always a blessing.

Hindsight

My daughter asked me a tough question the other day.  “Why did you have us so young?”  I was stumped.  But I eventually mustered up an answer….and it went an little like this:

When I was in high school, I believed I was glorious.   Not only that, but that I was headed to more (personal) glory in the future.  I wasn’t the most internally confident person, but by all outward appearances, I knew that I was certainly a force to be reckon with.  I was assertive and I knew where I was going in life….straight to Broadway.Me1980s

Now, I was still a good girl at heart.  I had dear friends (boys and girls) that I was fiercely loyal to.  I was always the first to help a person out, if I could.  I had a deep conscience.  That would be my saving grace.

In college, I was a volleyball player and a budding thespian.  I knew I had what it would take to “make it big” one day on the stage, on the screen or on TV.  I just knew it.  Again, I was my biggest fan…as most of us are in our late teens and early 20’s. 

To make things a little more interesting…I am a Leo, leo….LEO!  In my early years, I frequently teetered on the brink of a “self-absorbed” Leo and the caring, loving and loyal kind.

By the time I turned 20, I had achieved a great deal…including becoming a mother.  By 22, a mother of two.  I told my oldest daughter (after a looong pause) that I needed to have my children then.  If I had not, I would not have had them at all.  I was on a fast track to self-fulfillment and they became my fortuitous salvation. 

Misa and Nani1My children grounded me….more importantly, they humbled me.  I learned to become self-less.  I learned to love unconditionally.  I learned to see the world around me, through their eyes, rather than seeing only me in the world.misa nani2

Their lives aligned with my own journey.  As I look back now I see that our lives today could not be possible had I not become a mother at the time I did.  I fumbled, cried…..and grew as a US1mother.

As the day to celebrate Mom’s near, I want to begin the celebration by honoring my children, Chamisa and Briana.  I know, without a shadow of  a doubt, that I would not have matured into the person I am today without them.  US2

I read a poem a while back that said, “the love you have in your life is merely a reflection of the love you put out into the world.”  I can honestly say, that my world is filled with happiness, joy and an abundance of love.  Thank you, girls for allowing me to be your mother.Girls2013

Girls2013-2

Sisters

In my pre-mortal life I know I was whole.

I accepted the challenge to venture to this earthly home…for a time.

I’m guessing there must have been a mix-up…maybe a heavenly malfunction…because I became two.

We landed together

her first, then me

lagging behind by six months.

We were born as close as possible without taking a toll on our mothers, sisters themselves.

Sisters – May, 1989.

Both sharing an identity-

Todíkozhí born for Áshííhí- both of us

And from birth we were inseparable

able to speak without words

know each others thoughts

feel the others’ joy and pain

As we grew so did our bond.

Together we faced adolescence-

the first loves, the break-ups, the run-a-way plots, happiness and grief.

In our adult lives our bond has matured.

It has steered us through martial bliss, marital woes, parenting trials and triumphs.

Sisters, circa 2005.

Now we live by text, cell and email.

When we hear the voice on the other end of the line,

we sense the mood, we feel the emotion

and we automatically align our response to her need.

These days we think about where the future will take us

and we worry about distance

When in reality, we know our bond reaches beyond any physical existence.

I don’t fear much in life because I know I have her always pushing me to succeed…and vice versa…

Because, she’s my sister, she’s my strength…she’s simply an extension of me.

Ohh…ouch…life.

I went for a drive one summer evening in New Mexico.  As I drove, I killed a million mice in the attic of my mind.  Yet, the same thoughts kept me captive.  I revisited memories of a few good friends, but no one in particular.  Just this mental collage of  “thems” and “theys.”

They push and pull through life.  They painfully grind through the silky fabric of their existence.  As I drove along, I felt an overwhelming urge to tell them…be…just be.

I understood this to mean:

There is no need to make life fit into your skewed little box, with all the rules that box you in and keep contentment out.  It’s OK to just let go of the control…and let it be.

For me, just the thought of such action created such a euphoric feeling…so free…so limitless…so happy.

What was interesting was in that moment of non-judgement of myself, I realized that that very lesson was actually…for me.

Of youth

I was like most youngster in high school.  I listened to all the latests music.  Watched the matching videos on MTV (back when they played videos).  I also was a pretty good dancer.  Most importantly, I was “cool.”  I came to college and carried on in the same “cool” fashion.  I remember once being asked by an admirer, “where’d you learn to dance like that?”  I just shrugged as I broke into a another fit of rythm.  I took it as a compliment.

But, something happened when I had kids…I stopped dancing.  My inner Material Girl, gave way to Barney, Kidz Bop and Blacklodge Kids’ Pow Wow Jams.  I had stopped feeding the “me” that knew what cool was.  There was point at which I remember thinking “who are you and what did you do to that dance diva named Lori?!”  Yeah, it was bad.

My kids were in middle school when a friend invited me to go dancing with her at a local latin club.  That night, I danced and danced….so good!  It felt wonderful to find “me” again.  I didn’t stop.   I was there twirling and swaying on the dance floor as often as I could…and I looked and felt amazing!

There were times after that re-awakening that I used to try to teach my girls to dance.  Or, I’d tell them about how I used to dance like a maniac in high school.  They’d just giggle.  They didn’t believe me.   I don’t blame them…they hadn’t ever seen me “do” such things.   And they could hardly even imagine it either.

I saw a post card once that had a quote by William Purkey, ““You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching, Love like you’ll never be hurt, Sing like there’s nobody listening, And live like it’s heaven on earth.”   There is only one part missing….make sure your kids see you doing it all….as proof!  haha

I wrote this poem back then about conflicting perceptions:  theirs and mine.  Today, they still giggle when I try to” bust a move”….if they only knew!

——————————————————————————

I guess I always thought I’d be cool
down with the latest dances
up with fashion
know the music scene
speak the speak
Apparently, I’ve been slipping a bit…
I step on toes
my wardrobe suffers from time warp
isn’t “Bow Wow” what a dog does?
…and COOL just isn’t cool for me to say anymore!

According to two young hip chicks on the verge of life…
I’m old…I’m outdated…I’m over!

But, little do they know…
when the night matures
I unbutton to please
and slip on my shiny, slick black heels
that move with ease
to the hot latin beat
that melts the years from
my mind…my body…my soul.

Making good on the promise to live

I’ve been fortunate to have had some amazing friends in life.  I’ve cherished every friendship (good and bad).  I believe we meet each other at the point in our lives when we need one another.  Even if the friendship doesn’t last, we come out having learned something about ourselves that we wouldn’t have if it weren’t for the relationship. 

There are times when friendships leave you speechless.  When I just can’t find the words to encourage, console, chastize.  This poem came from one of those moments. 

p.s.  Thanks to Kara Helena for the most amazing photo.

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Red. Flesh. Soul. Pride.

She stands in her own existence

            Wavering on a ledge

            Peering into a painful past

                        And she hears a whisper

            So loud that she’s taken aback

                        But pain muffles the words.

Her gaze darts heavenward

            Beyond the impending agony

Shiny, stunning blade

            Sleek, intricate silver

Slices air toward the destination

            …or destiny.

            And in a flash the

Silver blade of integrity slices her soul

            And she bleeds

She bleeds

            Hot streams of pride

            Icy shards of selfishness

            Burning streams of jealously

            Razor shards of anger

And the air rushes in as the

            Toxic poisons pool at her feet.

She reaches for the wound

            Healed

            Healed

            Healed

            Healed

Her soul

            Quietly cries songs of joy.

And again she hears the whisper

            Louder…louder…louder

            Until the words are crisp and powerfully clear

“Breathe. Life. Into your Future.”

 

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